| WHY IS SELF-ESTEEM IMPORTANT FOR CHILDREN?
Positive self-esteem has a positive effect on just about every part of children's lives - how they get on with others, how they handle school and studying, how they deal with pressures and stresses, and just about everything they do as children, adolescents and adults.
Studies show that bright children who think poorly of themselves may do poorly in school. But average children who believe in themselves can excel. Children who have high self-esteem are willing to tackle tough learing assignments. They're willing to try something new. And even if they don't get the answer right the first time, they can keep on trying until they get it right.
High self-esteem helps children in other ways. Kids with high self-esteem are happier, have more friends,
and are more accepted by others. They even have fewer illnesses!
WAYS TO PROMOTE SELF-ESTEEM IN CHILDREN
- When we feel a sermon coming on - we can switch it off; ask for further information; turn the discussion back to the child.
- When we are tempted to declare how 'wrong' a child is - we can ask the child to clarify or to explain what he is thinking or feeling. Children will express themselves more freely if they do not feel the threat of a judge's sentence.
- When a "nagging session" threatens - we can try humour. Nagging destroys communication, humour can salvage it.
- When strong emotional stress is evident - we can talk about the problem later. Strong emotion makes productive dialogue impossible. Let the emotion subside before tackling the problem.
- We can say things like:
- "Let's do it together."
- "What do you think?"
- "That's the best job you've done yet."
- "We're really proud of you."
- "You're the family expert on this ..."
- "Thank you"
- We can avoid saying things like:
- "When I was a child, I was lucky to have ..."
- "That's ridiculous."
- "When will you ever learn?"
- "You're too young to understand."
- "Can't you do anything right?"
- "Here, let me do it, you'll only get it wrong."
- "Don't get in my way".
(Taken from The Alberta Teachers' Association Parent Guide, 1992).
A few more thoughts:
- Every time you teach your children a new skill, such as riding a bike or using a wordprocessor, you're helping build self-esteem by helping them feel competent and capable.
- Comparing children is harmful to their self-esteem. If you have more than one child, try not to say things like, "Your brother always brought home straight 'A's. Why can't you?" Instead, help each child find - and feel good about - his or her own strengths.
- Try a sneak attack to build your child's self-esteem. Sometimes, let your child overhear a compliment "accidentally-on-purpose".
- Help your child do something for someone else, such as help clean up a nearby park or shovel an elderly neighbour's sidewalk. By giving of themselves, children can feel a real sense of accomplishment.
- Be careful of "overparenting" -- let kids learn for themselves. When you jump in to help, the message you're really sending is "You are not capable of doing this by yourself." Let your children try ... and fail ... and try again.
- Promote self-discipline, an important component of self-esteem, by enforcing family rules about bedtime, not eating sweets before meals and so on; establish orderly routines at home; expect your children to assume some responsibilities at home, for example feeding pets, helping with dishes, setting the table.
- The public library system has several books on self-esteem. For example, Dorothy Briggs has written Your child's self-esteem. Public Library: 649.1 B76.
Praise your child's efforts as well as his accomplishments. "I appreciate the fact that you met your responsibility without being asked. You're a hard worker."
Successful people have a "success mind- set". They don't seem to understand the word "failure". They may talk about a "glitch," a "problem," or a "snag". But even when something doesn't work out as they've planned, they try to learn from the experience.
When your children are unsuccessful, try to find something they can learn from their mistakes. You might ask, "What would you do differently next time?"
Find ways to help your child feel important. One study by the National Family Institute found that the average parent spends 14.5 minutes a day communicating with each child. Of that time, 12.5 minutes are devoted to parental criticism or correction. Not surprisingly, those behaviours lead many children to believe they do not matter to anyone, or that they can't do anything right. Make a special effort to tell your children every day that they are special.
Be aware of your expectations. Parents who assume boys are "naturally" better at math or sports -- and girls better at reading -- may be limiting their child's future accomplishments. A recent study by a University of Colorado psychologist found, for example, that parents' beliefs may lead girls to drop out of math courses. That, in turn, can prevent them from entering many high-paying careers. "Girls don't get worse grades than boys at any level of math," the author of the study said, "But they drop out of it much sooner and here's where parents' expectations are having an effect."
Though it is important that parents believe in their children, sometimes parents can hold expectations that are too high and harm a child's self-esteem. Here are some questions to ask yourself:
- When you watch your child in an athletic or other event, do you criticize the performance afterwards? Or do you talk about how proud you are to see the effort?
- When your child brings home a school assignment, do you talk first about the questions that are wrong? Or do you look for the ones that are right?
- When you child helps you with household chores, do you emphasize the thing that needs to be done better, or do you give thanks for the help and talk about one thing done especially well?
Remember this:
It takes six seconds to give someone a compliment. A complaint often takes a minute or more.
To build a child's self-esteem, reverse the process.
Say what you don't like about your child's actions
briefly. When behaviour is good, praise your child
to the sky. Use a full sixty seconds.
Chances are you'll have to spend less time on discipline. Your child will bask in the glow of positive attention.
(Taken from the "Parent Resource Binder: The Essential Link", published by the Newfoundland and Labrador Home and School Federation, p. 29-34). Previous menu
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